Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
