i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
