my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
