cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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