I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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