I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
