she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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