You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
