So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
