The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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