Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
