a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
