He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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