I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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