It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
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