i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
