Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
