He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
bring money and cleavage
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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