just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
