We're facebook friends in real life
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
