Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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