I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
We're too hungover to prance.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
