The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
