I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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