Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
