mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Who did Billy Mays play for?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
