Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
