your parents love me but you hate me
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
