If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
