One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
