it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
