I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I think I just sharted jello shots
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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