i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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