so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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