sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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