I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I met the friendliest cop last night
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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