Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
