I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
40s are totally the cure
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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