Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
