he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
