the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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