I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I party with great urgency now.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
