we have pet lesbian snakes
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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