I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Randomize
