Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
