In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
