Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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