One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Randomize
