so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
