So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
