Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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