Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
