he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
