Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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