i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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