you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
