just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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