Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
